everything's coming up robin
Thursday, January 29, 2004
if anything could make me happier than double stuff oreos and diet coke.. I have yet to find it :)
had fun whispered conversations with "new" ben in class today. don't start...don't start...don't...start.
hey sarah, can you steal me a muffin? HAHAHAHA
wow. this is dumb.
had fun whispered conversations with "new" ben in class today. don't start...don't start...don't...start.
hey sarah, can you steal me a muffin? HAHAHAHA
wow. this is dumb.
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
piglet is entirely surrounded by... bens?!
annnnd another one. i don't get it. there is something up with the universe! let's recap, shall we? there is ecology TA Ben, climbing club friend Ben, guy in my program who em mentioned Ben, other friend emily's boyfriend Ben, the guy from halloween Ben, and now the climbing/wildlife management Ben?!? GOOD LORD! At least this latest addition provides a nice distraction in an otherwise painful class :P
climbing was good today. I started climbing early in my shift so I didn't quite freeze solid. played a fun game of add-on with mark, then worked for a while. belayed my friend from camp and we talked about canoe tripping and the summer boy...talked to new ben about tshirts and routes and cold climbing shoes [oh wait... did I MENTION that new ben's arms alone are enough to turn me to mush?!]...climbed some routes with old climbing ben, but couldn't even pull the box anymore! so weak... but it was good. i'm glad i didn't give it up.
new summer options: Kawartha Conservation Authority? Algonquin with Brooks' lab? who bloody knows anymore!
I forgot my oreos again. I'm going to turn INTO an oreo if I don't remember to get some soon!
I should try some computer lab...I'm just so full of randomness!!
i've got lunatics guarding my sanity, i don't know what that says to you. me, i can pull off the stupidest stunts and i'm still not committed for the crazy things i do.
annnnd another one. i don't get it. there is something up with the universe! let's recap, shall we? there is ecology TA Ben, climbing club friend Ben, guy in my program who em mentioned Ben, other friend emily's boyfriend Ben, the guy from halloween Ben, and now the climbing/wildlife management Ben?!? GOOD LORD! At least this latest addition provides a nice distraction in an otherwise painful class :P
climbing was good today. I started climbing early in my shift so I didn't quite freeze solid. played a fun game of add-on with mark, then worked for a while. belayed my friend from camp and we talked about canoe tripping and the summer boy...talked to new ben about tshirts and routes and cold climbing shoes [oh wait... did I MENTION that new ben's arms alone are enough to turn me to mush?!]...climbed some routes with old climbing ben, but couldn't even pull the box anymore! so weak... but it was good. i'm glad i didn't give it up.
new summer options: Kawartha Conservation Authority? Algonquin with Brooks' lab? who bloody knows anymore!
I forgot my oreos again. I'm going to turn INTO an oreo if I don't remember to get some soon!
I should try some computer lab...I'm just so full of randomness!!
i've got lunatics guarding my sanity, i don't know what that says to you. me, i can pull off the stupidest stunts and i'm still not committed for the crazy things i do.
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
Today was a strangely coloured day. The air itself seemed purple in nature. Like looking through a camera filter. Strange.
Aside from the little outburst this morning (and everytime I realized I was at SCHOOL today! 12 hours on campus... on a SNOW DAY! gah.), being in class this morning I had an epiphany. My head was just starting to spin again with questions of "what is natural"? "how do we know what's bad?" "why do we pretend to know how to fix it?"...and I realized something that greatly simplified my moral dilemma of late.
Sometimes you just have to believe in something.
Throw out the reasons. Throw out every angle. Throw out logic and just believe. I could almost call it an article of faith...but it's more than faith. After years of taking everything in, and weighing the evidence, it is my fundamental belief.
This is what I believe: humans are destroying the planet, what we do is NOT natural and in order to stop and reverse this trend requires either a fundamental change in human thinking or the removal of the problem...us.
I want to believe in us, want to believe we can change and that I'm not fighting for an unreachable goal. But give me a second to breathe here! I've only just starting this whole believing thing today!
Damn. I was going to buy oreos today and I forgot. I hate that.
Aside from the little outburst this morning (and everytime I realized I was at SCHOOL today! 12 hours on campus... on a SNOW DAY! gah.), being in class this morning I had an epiphany. My head was just starting to spin again with questions of "what is natural"? "how do we know what's bad?" "why do we pretend to know how to fix it?"...and I realized something that greatly simplified my moral dilemma of late.
Sometimes you just have to believe in something.
Throw out the reasons. Throw out every angle. Throw out logic and just believe. I could almost call it an article of faith...but it's more than faith. After years of taking everything in, and weighing the evidence, it is my fundamental belief.
This is what I believe: humans are destroying the planet, what we do is NOT natural and in order to stop and reverse this trend requires either a fundamental change in human thinking or the removal of the problem...us.
I want to believe in us, want to believe we can change and that I'm not fighting for an unreachable goal. But give me a second to breathe here! I've only just starting this whole believing thing today!
Damn. I was going to buy oreos today and I forgot. I hate that.
stay home today if you can. all public and catholic elementary schools in wellington and waterloo region are closed. all high school exams in wellington and waterloo region are posponed. Conestoga college WATERLOO AND LAURIER are all CLOSED. Oh, but University of Guelph...
FUCK YOU!!
FUCK YOU!!
Monday, January 26, 2004
I am way too concerned with my own personal comfort. Honestly! I called in sick to work last week just because I didn't feel like going. I skip class and rely on my all too acommodating friends for the notes. Right now I am punking on a shift at the climbing gym I told my friend I would cover because the weather is too crappy for me to get out of my pyjamas and out to the bus stop. I disgust myself. But I keep doing it. I think this whole good-person image I had going was really just a ruse. Had me going anyway!
Well since I'm still home, in my pj's...I guess I'll dive back into my book. At least it's not blizzarding there. And I can pretend to be someone who gives a fuck.
I really must go... but baby it's cold outside.
Well since I'm still home, in my pj's...I guess I'll dive back into my book. At least it's not blizzarding there. And I can pretend to be someone who gives a fuck.
I really must go... but baby it's cold outside.
Sunday, January 25, 2004
WARNING: this is long and boring but I'm a sucker and can't hide things like on LJ (sorry!) so continue reading only if you're really really bored.
Spell your first name back wards]: Nibor
[The story behind your msn name]: FINDING NEMO!! GREATEST MOVIE EVER!
[3 words that sum you up]: driven, introvert, lonelymostofthetime
{DESCRIBE YOUR}
[Wallet]: Brown leather boy wallet.
[Hairbrush]: umm..don't own one. have you SEEN my hair brushed? If so, there's no way you're reading this because you've been scared to the end of the earth!
[Jewelry worn daily]: I don't know if it counts as jewelry, but the closest I get is my accessory cord necklace and bracelet and hemp bracelet. All of which would need to be cut off-and aren't going to be!
[Coffee cup]: I guess mostly a paper Timmy's cup...but I also have a fabulous mug stolen from second cup that is usually filled with hot chocolate :)
[Shoes]: Right now they're Windriver shitkicker winter boots. my hiking shoes fell apart, and other than that I wear tevas
[Favorite pants]: fleece or waffle pants for lying around, and my stretchy jeans for going out in public!
[CD in stereo right now]: I don't have a stero...and there's nothing in my comp. I thiiiink Dave Matthews - some devil is in my discman.
[What you are wearing now]: fleece pants, Manitou world games tshirt and nike longsleeve t over top.
[In my mouth]: teeth
[In my head (music)]: I have a song from Michael Buble that I can't think of the name too and it's really annoying cuz it's an awesome jazz song!
[After this]: discussion posting and bed with hot chocolate and book. mmm...
[Talking to]: Sherry, and occasionally em through the wall.
[Some of your favourite movies]: good will hunting, finding nemo, pirates of the carribean... I'll stop there.
[The last thing you ate?]: A chocolate from em! :) and before that cheeseburger and milkshake from the grill. mmmm...
[Something that you are deathly afraid of?]: Being trapped under water.
[Do you like candles]: yes. but mine haven't been lit for a while...
[Do you like incense]: meh. no opinion really. wasn't that a grade 6 or...1970's thing?
[Do you believe in love]: I'm trying really hard...
[Do you believe in love at first sight]: I think love at all would be a good start.
[3 Places you wouldn't mind relocating to]: temperate rainforest in BC, somewhere in Britain, east coast.
[What are some of your favorite pig out foods?]: is there any other kind of food?! Pizza, ice cream, all dressed chips, pasta at a restaurant, burgers from the grill, double stuff oreo cookies... i could go on...
[What's something you wish you could understand better?]: next year. Me. boys. why none of them ever intersect?
[Anyone you miss that you haven't seen in a while?]: my cousins. My aussie's Al and Adrian. My friends that I never see!!
[Cried]: Dec 30th packing for the cottage with very little sympathy for PMS from my dad! hehe I feel pretty sorry for him on the recieving end of that actually.. :P
[Bought something]: uh, wow! I haven't bought anything today! I think it was actually 2 days ago I got a bottle of wine and some food for the aforementioned wine and cheese party.
[Sang:] I'm sure today sometime...I kinda do it subconsiously
[Wanted to tell someone you loved them]: I don't really know how to answer this question...
[Met someone new]: today at work.
[Moved on]: After the summer
[Talked to someone you have a crush on]: last semester. since then there have only been glances...
[Hugged someone:] uhhh... I hate that I can't remember. and I really really can't. that brings me down a little...
[Fought with your parents:] I guess that would be the little PMS episode...but I never really fight with them.
[Dreamed about someone you can't be with:] a few nights ago. and basically every few nights of my entire life.
{Social Life}
[Best Friends]: you know who you are.
[Hobbies]: you mean there are things other than school and sleeping? I guess climbing a little, online crossword puzzles and journals! And reading... ah..reading.
[Are you center of attention or the wallflower:] Mostly the wallflower.
[What type automobile do you wish you drove:] 2004 Silver Vdub Jetta. Orrr lately the Mazda 3 sport. (ORRRR in a true dream world... BMW Roadster)
[you rather be with friends or on a date:] what's a date?
[Where is the best hangout:] the climbing club, or Shakey's, or various places downtown.
[Do you have a job]: Hospitality Services Banquet staff! Woo!
[you attend church:] Nope
[Do you like being around people:] Sometimes.
[Who:] uh..friends? family.
[Who have u known the longest:] Dreener since grade 3!
[Who do you argue the most with:] I never argue. I can't remember the last time I argued with anyone.
[Who do you always get along with:] I guess that would mean everyone right?
[Who is the smartest:] uhh..Darwin? Descartes? Doug Larson? hehe
[Who is your Hero:] someone like steve irwin or rob bredl.
Sorry, for those of you that don't care. but what can I say? I'm weak.
Spell your first name back wards]: Nibor
[The story behind your msn name]: FINDING NEMO!! GREATEST MOVIE EVER!
[3 words that sum you up]: driven, introvert, lonelymostofthetime
{DESCRIBE YOUR}
[Wallet]: Brown leather boy wallet.
[Hairbrush]: umm..don't own one. have you SEEN my hair brushed? If so, there's no way you're reading this because you've been scared to the end of the earth!
[Jewelry worn daily]: I don't know if it counts as jewelry, but the closest I get is my accessory cord necklace and bracelet and hemp bracelet. All of which would need to be cut off-and aren't going to be!
[Coffee cup]: I guess mostly a paper Timmy's cup...but I also have a fabulous mug stolen from second cup that is usually filled with hot chocolate :)
[Shoes]: Right now they're Windriver shitkicker winter boots. my hiking shoes fell apart, and other than that I wear tevas
[Favorite pants]: fleece or waffle pants for lying around, and my stretchy jeans for going out in public!
[CD in stereo right now]: I don't have a stero...and there's nothing in my comp. I thiiiink Dave Matthews - some devil is in my discman.
[What you are wearing now]: fleece pants, Manitou world games tshirt and nike longsleeve t over top.
[In my mouth]: teeth
[In my head (music)]: I have a song from Michael Buble that I can't think of the name too and it's really annoying cuz it's an awesome jazz song!
[After this]: discussion posting and bed with hot chocolate and book. mmm...
[Talking to]: Sherry, and occasionally em through the wall.
[Some of your favourite movies]: good will hunting, finding nemo, pirates of the carribean... I'll stop there.
[The last thing you ate?]: A chocolate from em! :) and before that cheeseburger and milkshake from the grill. mmmm...
[Something that you are deathly afraid of?]: Being trapped under water.
[Do you like candles]: yes. but mine haven't been lit for a while...
[Do you like incense]: meh. no opinion really. wasn't that a grade 6 or...1970's thing?
[Do you believe in love]: I'm trying really hard...
[Do you believe in love at first sight]: I think love at all would be a good start.
[3 Places you wouldn't mind relocating to]: temperate rainforest in BC, somewhere in Britain, east coast.
[What are some of your favorite pig out foods?]: is there any other kind of food?! Pizza, ice cream, all dressed chips, pasta at a restaurant, burgers from the grill, double stuff oreo cookies... i could go on...
[What's something you wish you could understand better?]: next year. Me. boys. why none of them ever intersect?
[Anyone you miss that you haven't seen in a while?]: my cousins. My aussie's Al and Adrian. My friends that I never see!!
[Cried]: Dec 30th packing for the cottage with very little sympathy for PMS from my dad! hehe I feel pretty sorry for him on the recieving end of that actually.. :P
[Bought something]: uh, wow! I haven't bought anything today! I think it was actually 2 days ago I got a bottle of wine and some food for the aforementioned wine and cheese party.
[Sang:] I'm sure today sometime...I kinda do it subconsiously
[Wanted to tell someone you loved them]: I don't really know how to answer this question...
[Met someone new]: today at work.
[Moved on]: After the summer
[Talked to someone you have a crush on]: last semester. since then there have only been glances...
[Hugged someone:] uhhh... I hate that I can't remember. and I really really can't. that brings me down a little...
[Fought with your parents:] I guess that would be the little PMS episode...but I never really fight with them.
[Dreamed about someone you can't be with:] a few nights ago. and basically every few nights of my entire life.
{Social Life}
[Best Friends]: you know who you are.
[Hobbies]: you mean there are things other than school and sleeping? I guess climbing a little, online crossword puzzles and journals! And reading... ah..reading.
[Are you center of attention or the wallflower:] Mostly the wallflower.
[What type automobile do you wish you drove:] 2004 Silver Vdub Jetta. Orrr lately the Mazda 3 sport. (ORRRR in a true dream world... BMW Roadster)
[you rather be with friends or on a date:] what's a date?
[Where is the best hangout:] the climbing club, or Shakey's, or various places downtown.
[Do you have a job]: Hospitality Services Banquet staff! Woo!
[you attend church:] Nope
[Do you like being around people:] Sometimes.
[Who:] uh..friends? family.
[Who have u known the longest:] Dreener since grade 3!
[Who do you argue the most with:] I never argue. I can't remember the last time I argued with anyone.
[Who do you always get along with:] I guess that would mean everyone right?
[Who is the smartest:] uhh..Darwin? Descartes? Doug Larson? hehe
[Who is your Hero:] someone like steve irwin or rob bredl.
Sorry, for those of you that don't care. but what can I say? I'm weak.
I don't know why i do these things when really...I never even wanted too. Parties start off fun, with good wine and food and conversations. Then more wine...friends with girlfriends hitting on me...other people start looking very good...friends ask to join them in the basement...get high just walking down the stairs...fucking strong drugs...emerge a while later...try to have conversations?...realize how idiotic I look and sound but can't do anything about it... finally realize I'm left in a room with a few "friends" who are also too fucked up to even notice I'm there. It's only 12:30. Walk home in the freezing cold...notice that I don't feel as cold as I did getting there. Sleep naked. I never do that.
Why do I keep doing this? Is it that tiny little piece of me that's still back in grade 7 trying to be cool enough?
Then why do I always feel like the biggest tool there?
Why do I keep doing this? Is it that tiny little piece of me that's still back in grade 7 trying to be cool enough?
Then why do I always feel like the biggest tool there?
Saturday, January 24, 2004
So I've made my decision. I'm going to the cottage. The cottage in 1992. I'm going to learn to waterski on 2 skis behind the red boat. I'm going to dive for treasures on the bottom of the lake. I'm going to wear my bathing suit in the woods and make tree forts on the fallen log by the lake. I'm going to see Ashley every day, and when I go to her cottage Auntie Barb is going to offer me wafer cookies from the jar on the fridge. My sister will go to sailing club every morning while I sleep in. I'm going to put on a lip-sync show at the Graham reunion with all my cousins. I'm going to have sleepovers in the trailer and play Monopoly for days. I'm going to tag along to sailing club dances and get ridiculously excited when "Rock Lobster" comes on. I'm going to go up to the farm in the back of grandpas pick up truck and play in the hayloft. I'm going to ride my bike for no reason. I'm going to lean on the wind when it comes in gales up the lawn and go swimming in a storm to play in the waves.
I am not going to worry about money or a real job or weddings or grad school. This summer, I'm going to spend it in the time I can remember being the happiest I've ever been in my life. And maybe after that...I can grow up.
I am not going to worry about money or a real job or weddings or grad school. This summer, I'm going to spend it in the time I can remember being the happiest I've ever been in my life. And maybe after that...I can grow up.
Thursday, January 22, 2004
if god's gaze upon us falls, it's with a mischievous grin...look at him.
To everyone: if you tell me anything bad today I will bite you.
As for that great "universe" that mom is always talking about: Fuck you too.
To everyone: if you tell me anything bad today I will bite you.
As for that great "universe" that mom is always talking about: Fuck you too.
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
This may seem a little less than authentic considering the time frame... but I just found out that Elliott Smith died last October. It was 3 months ago, but quite immediate for me. For anyone who has heard me talk about "my boys"... Elliott was one of those that kept me sane. Music to soothe me no matter the circumstance. And I had only started to discover it. I relied on him and didn't even know he was dead. 34 years old. "Apparent Suicide".
My Elliott..
"But there is some sadness in it -- there has to be, so that the happiness in it will matter." ~Elliott Smith on his music.
My Elliott..
"But there is some sadness in it -- there has to be, so that the happiness in it will matter." ~Elliott Smith on his music.
He plays the fucking trombone.
I didn't need to know. I didn't want to know. I didn't ask. and yet here are the words flying at me from the front of the room and I didn't even see them coming...couldn't even duck. and now I ache from the blow.
I was managing ok with 2 out of 3. there must be TONS of 2 out of 3s our there. but all 3? Why so perfectly all 3...?
he plays the goddam trombone. That statement has consumed at least my day. Probably a good portion of time left at Guelph. Fuck.
doesn't anybody wanna take another shot at me? well, go ahead. the gun is loaded and the bullets are free.
I didn't need to know. I didn't want to know. I didn't ask. and yet here are the words flying at me from the front of the room and I didn't even see them coming...couldn't even duck. and now I ache from the blow.
I was managing ok with 2 out of 3. there must be TONS of 2 out of 3s our there. but all 3? Why so perfectly all 3...?
he plays the goddam trombone. That statement has consumed at least my day. Probably a good portion of time left at Guelph. Fuck.
doesn't anybody wanna take another shot at me? well, go ahead. the gun is loaded and the bullets are free.
Sunday, January 18, 2004
do you miss me, miss misery, like you say you do?
I was starting to feel like there was a little more to me lately. I was focusing on things like school and travel, and the fundamental morals by which I want to live my life. There was a little bit of substance showing up where before, there had only been a glaze washed over most of my life.
But here I am, at home alone...ordering a small pizza and watching movies I've seen a thousand times. And it is such a familiar scene I wonder if I've come any distance at all. How, in a life that is phenomenal by any other standards, can I possibly feel it's being eroded away. There is no support around, holding me up. And it's exhausting to be constantly and forever just holding myself up.
It overshadows every other aspect of me and I resent that. Drowning out the experience and culture of Costa Rica, or the educational potential and heritage of Oxford...is this.
I'm done. My pizza's here.
I was starting to feel like there was a little more to me lately. I was focusing on things like school and travel, and the fundamental morals by which I want to live my life. There was a little bit of substance showing up where before, there had only been a glaze washed over most of my life.
But here I am, at home alone...ordering a small pizza and watching movies I've seen a thousand times. And it is such a familiar scene I wonder if I've come any distance at all. How, in a life that is phenomenal by any other standards, can I possibly feel it's being eroded away. There is no support around, holding me up. And it's exhausting to be constantly and forever just holding myself up.
It overshadows every other aspect of me and I resent that. Drowning out the experience and culture of Costa Rica, or the educational potential and heritage of Oxford...is this.
I'm done. My pizza's here.
"the last lone aster is gone
the leaves of the witch hazel wither
the heart is still aching to seek,
but the feet question , whither?"
"for once, then, something"
"i only hope that when i am free
as they are free, to go in quest
of knowledge beyond the bounds of life
it shall not seem better to me to rest"
"when to the heart of man
was it ever less than a treason
to go with the drift of things
to yield with a grace to reason
to bow and accept the end
of a love or a season"
"two roads diverged in a wood and i-
i took the one less travelled by
and that has made all the difference"
"they would not find me changed from [her] they knew-
only more sure of all i thought was true."
thank you Mr. Frost...
the leaves of the witch hazel wither
the heart is still aching to seek,
but the feet question , whither?"
"for once, then, something"
"i only hope that when i am free
as they are free, to go in quest
of knowledge beyond the bounds of life
it shall not seem better to me to rest"
"when to the heart of man
was it ever less than a treason
to go with the drift of things
to yield with a grace to reason
to bow and accept the end
of a love or a season"
"two roads diverged in a wood and i-
i took the one less travelled by
and that has made all the difference"
"they would not find me changed from [her] they knew-
only more sure of all i thought was true."
thank you Mr. Frost...
Saturday, January 17, 2004
from in the shadow she calls and in the shadow she finds a way
I recently had a conversation about things that make me panic and supressing that panicked feeling. I'm graduating in 3 months. And 16 years of defining myself as a student will be behind me. What am I if not a student?! I love it here... notwithstanding the whining and complaining about early classes and papers and exams and money... I love it. We all complain about money but are proud to claim ourselves "living like a student". We complain about the cold but when I'm sitting on the bus watching students come and go I think I'll even miss waiting for the bus with my backpack and student card in hand. I want to sit in a bar and listen to the live music and feel like a part of the atmosphere. I'm not afraid of what I'll do after this year... I'm so sad to leave behind the last four. And I no longer have any qualms about dedicating the rest of my life to research.
Incidentally...I resent the idea some people have that I'm going to continue with school because I don't know what else to do. People may do this, but I don't know why. I will continue with school, for as long as I can! But because I've finally found a passion. Finally found what I can be dedicated to.
everyone asks me how she's doing since she went away. i say i couldn't tell you... i'm okay.
I recently had a conversation about things that make me panic and supressing that panicked feeling. I'm graduating in 3 months. And 16 years of defining myself as a student will be behind me. What am I if not a student?! I love it here... notwithstanding the whining and complaining about early classes and papers and exams and money... I love it. We all complain about money but are proud to claim ourselves "living like a student". We complain about the cold but when I'm sitting on the bus watching students come and go I think I'll even miss waiting for the bus with my backpack and student card in hand. I want to sit in a bar and listen to the live music and feel like a part of the atmosphere. I'm not afraid of what I'll do after this year... I'm so sad to leave behind the last four. And I no longer have any qualms about dedicating the rest of my life to research.
Incidentally...I resent the idea some people have that I'm going to continue with school because I don't know what else to do. People may do this, but I don't know why. I will continue with school, for as long as I can! But because I've finally found a passion. Finally found what I can be dedicated to.
everyone asks me how she's doing since she went away. i say i couldn't tell you... i'm okay.
Thursday, January 15, 2004
Good. You know your music. You should be able to
work at Championship Vinyl with Rob, Dick and
Barry
Do You Know Your Music (Sorry MTV Generation I Doubt You Can Handle This One)
brought to you by Quizilla
how cool is that?! I am SO up to High Fidelity!
i've got the whole world here...between my finger and my thumb. will you take care of it please? it's the only one. and it would take me a lifetime...to undo what you've done.
So another day another moral dilemma... In my Wildife conservation and management class today I just started to step back and view the class from a totally objective position. If an alien were to look in and see all these people sitting in a room listening to someone tell them that the survival of this species needs to be increased and it's up to us to do that...they would think "what a bunch of arrogant morons!". I would tend to agree, but unfortunately it can't be that black and white can it? It is not in our realm of responsibility to control the populations of everything on earth. nor should it be. BUT we seem to have done that anyway... so without taking steps to solve the problems we've created are we not first condemning a species and then claiming it not within our rights to save it? Sorry...I won't turn this blog into a soapbox for my extreme environmentalist views, but it gets harder and harder to figure out everyday whether or not I'm living according to my morals when I can't even figure out what the hell they ARE anymore!
one sweet whirled...
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
again and again, why can't I dream you away from me?
I saw Ben today. Not any of the millions of Bens that I know or have met recently. I saw Ben. Walking past his lab I glanced in as usual and he was standing right there, and just as I passed by he looked up...and looked at me. And that was it. There were no internal gymnastics, no shaking hands or wobbly legs. It was just there. It filled me with a sense of...anxiety all day. Just going about my day, then there was a little person in the back of my head jumping up and down and asking "why do I feel uneasy again?". And the answer. Because I saw him. Because it is a totally unresolved emotion. Because his hair falls in his eyes. Because he studies ecology because "it's cool". Because he remembered my name? Because I'm leaving in 3 months and will never see him again without ever having had even the opportunity to know him. Because he looked at me.
How can I never see him again? How can that happen?
This isn't Cale, it isn't Cam, or Adam.... they have nothing to do with me. Ben... is. me.
I saw Ben today. Not any of the millions of Bens that I know or have met recently. I saw Ben. Walking past his lab I glanced in as usual and he was standing right there, and just as I passed by he looked up...and looked at me. And that was it. There were no internal gymnastics, no shaking hands or wobbly legs. It was just there. It filled me with a sense of...anxiety all day. Just going about my day, then there was a little person in the back of my head jumping up and down and asking "why do I feel uneasy again?". And the answer. Because I saw him. Because it is a totally unresolved emotion. Because his hair falls in his eyes. Because he studies ecology because "it's cool". Because he remembered my name? Because I'm leaving in 3 months and will never see him again without ever having had even the opportunity to know him. Because he looked at me.
How can I never see him again? How can that happen?
This isn't Cale, it isn't Cam, or Adam.... they have nothing to do with me. Ben... is. me.
Monday, January 12, 2004
p.s. to anyone who values peace. as in tranquility... you need to listen to Spoon by Dave Matthews. the first bloody note can bring me to my knees...
from time to time, minutes and hours...some move ahead and some lag behind.
current mood: random
I love how a temperature of -1 in the morning makes me think "holy christ! it's HOT out!" heheh. (sorry to any religiously inclined readers out there, but this is where I get to be uncensored!)
People are funny. I stood next to a girl on the bus today...stood facing right where she was sitting, thinking...I've had sleepovers at this girls house and laughed so hard her parents complained, conspired to skip out of classes and cheated on a grade 5 math test together and got sent to the office. and now we don't acknowledge each others existance. funny thing that.
does anyone realize how difficult it is to walk like a girl in ginormous shitkicker boots, baggy jeans and a hoodie while listening to propellerheads?! I caught my reflection in the door as i walked up and thought i was being charged by a linebacker! GAWD! note to self: stand up straight, feet close together, take smaller steps. for GOD sake try to look feminine for once!
I sat in the UC for 6 hours today with a brief break for class. fantastically boring, but that's how you see everyone you know in the shortest amount of time right! Yay visitors!
I think I'll go see Big Fish tomorrow night.
aaaaaaannnnndd I got nuthin.
I love how a temperature of -1 in the morning makes me think "holy christ! it's HOT out!" heheh. (sorry to any religiously inclined readers out there, but this is where I get to be uncensored!)
People are funny. I stood next to a girl on the bus today...stood facing right where she was sitting, thinking...I've had sleepovers at this girls house and laughed so hard her parents complained, conspired to skip out of classes and cheated on a grade 5 math test together and got sent to the office. and now we don't acknowledge each others existance. funny thing that.
does anyone realize how difficult it is to walk like a girl in ginormous shitkicker boots, baggy jeans and a hoodie while listening to propellerheads?! I caught my reflection in the door as i walked up and thought i was being charged by a linebacker! GAWD! note to self: stand up straight, feet close together, take smaller steps. for GOD sake try to look feminine for once!
I sat in the UC for 6 hours today with a brief break for class. fantastically boring, but that's how you see everyone you know in the shortest amount of time right! Yay visitors!
I think I'll go see Big Fish tomorrow night.
aaaaaaannnnndd I got nuthin.
Sunday, January 11, 2004
mes reves epanouis
it's strange... for no reason whatsoever I think i'm starting to feel more attractive. I'm not losing weight, my face isn't clearing up, i don't have any relationship to show for it, i still surround myself with hot friends... but i start to feel somehow that "why wouldn't people notice me just for me? maybe it's because someone recently told me that i just looked so incredible... maybe I'm the one starting to see me more from the inside.
when i decided to take a nap today i realized that it wasn't because i was tired. True, I was bored and not wanting to do discussion postings, but I didn't need the rest. It was because I wanted to dream.
I would sleep forever and skip from dream to dream and be happy.
A couple nights ago I dreamt I was made a queen in medieval times surrounded by squalid taverns and pristine forests. I didn't know the times or my people but there were battles to be fought and inquiries to be made and i had to learn as i went and think on my feet. and I had to ride. My horse was the most beautiful light dapple grey who moved like wind even through thick trees. I raced Gandalf and Shadowfax through the forest. It was hard, and it was daunting, but it was simple. I belonged there.
Last night I dreamt that I lived in a sterile, engineered world where free will was only a fantasy and nothing imperfect was allowed. There was a store of bacteria in a Sears that would mean imperfections and somehow the freedom of the culture that I had to steal and release and I had another person, or maybe two helping me. We got the test tubes and got out with them hunting us all through the store, but I had to go back because I forgot my jacket inside, even knowing I would be caught. So I went back, and one of my accomplices, with whom I did not get along with sprung me from the guards and took me away. I hated him while pulling off the theft, but he took me to an alternate time, or dimension, to be safe. We stayed there for a year and fell in love, then on the anniversary of the theft, I had to go back. It was a hard decision...but it meant there was someone there that was a part of my life and decisions.
I don't really know the significance of either of these, but regardless of the situations or the danger or the emotions in the dreams...somehow I always prefer them to real life. so i sleep always to dream and any other effects are superfluous.
as we sleep the world is ominous, but never all that close...
it's strange... for no reason whatsoever I think i'm starting to feel more attractive. I'm not losing weight, my face isn't clearing up, i don't have any relationship to show for it, i still surround myself with hot friends... but i start to feel somehow that "why wouldn't people notice me just for me? maybe it's because someone recently told me that i just looked so incredible... maybe I'm the one starting to see me more from the inside.
when i decided to take a nap today i realized that it wasn't because i was tired. True, I was bored and not wanting to do discussion postings, but I didn't need the rest. It was because I wanted to dream.
I would sleep forever and skip from dream to dream and be happy.
A couple nights ago I dreamt I was made a queen in medieval times surrounded by squalid taverns and pristine forests. I didn't know the times or my people but there were battles to be fought and inquiries to be made and i had to learn as i went and think on my feet. and I had to ride. My horse was the most beautiful light dapple grey who moved like wind even through thick trees. I raced Gandalf and Shadowfax through the forest. It was hard, and it was daunting, but it was simple. I belonged there.
Last night I dreamt that I lived in a sterile, engineered world where free will was only a fantasy and nothing imperfect was allowed. There was a store of bacteria in a Sears that would mean imperfections and somehow the freedom of the culture that I had to steal and release and I had another person, or maybe two helping me. We got the test tubes and got out with them hunting us all through the store, but I had to go back because I forgot my jacket inside, even knowing I would be caught. So I went back, and one of my accomplices, with whom I did not get along with sprung me from the guards and took me away. I hated him while pulling off the theft, but he took me to an alternate time, or dimension, to be safe. We stayed there for a year and fell in love, then on the anniversary of the theft, I had to go back. It was a hard decision...but it meant there was someone there that was a part of my life and decisions.
I don't really know the significance of either of these, but regardless of the situations or the danger or the emotions in the dreams...somehow I always prefer them to real life. so i sleep always to dream and any other effects are superfluous.
as we sleep the world is ominous, but never all that close...
Saturday, January 10, 2004
h'ok... so, I'm drunk. didn't even plan on going out tonight.. but went to Doogies with em and her friends, and Ash and her friends, and Hillary and her friends... ended up with quite a large group and to an outsider it might even look like I have a lot of friends! It was a crazy fun night... despite being surrounded by incredibly uncomfortable people! A guy that was all over Emily at a bar a couple years ago and didn't remember... and guy I was all over at a bar last year and he DID remember I'm pretty sure... one hot guy who looked unbelievably like one of em's exes, but was adorable none the less! But when we left the bar all I could think of was getting warm. I dont know if I've ever been so cold when i'm drunk. For once I couldn't give a tiny rats ass about getting any action from hot guys in the vicinity... all I wanted was a cab and my bed. I'm STILL shivering and I've been home at least half an hour! I need to get into my bed....warm, cozy bed...with no one else in it...
Thursday, January 08, 2004
should you abandon a goal just because you know you won't achieve it?
This may sound very similar to one of my normal posts, but I've been inspired. I'd like to take this opportunity to rant a little on one of my favourite topics. *ahem*
I found out this morning that 83% of the terrestrial earth's surface has been altered by humans. That means only 17% of truly untouched wilderness remains on the planet. I felt as if I'd been punched in the gut. Wind knocked right out of me. Maybe that needs to happen to everyone to get them to see the point! I look out my window and see lights, of cars and houses and streets...so I can't even see the sky. Even the trees feel fake. And I feel it every time.
There are 6.5 billion humans on earth. We are the only species that do not follow the fundamental law of nature. Take only what you need. When a natural law is broken, something is seriously wrong, and it doesn't work. We are the only species that needs to control and consume every resource to the exclusion of every other creature no matter the outcome. 83%...and some people have the temerity, the nerve, to say that we can fix this. We can restore the planet to its original state, and still live as we do. You might think it arrogant for me to place such importance on us as a species... granted, the world has seen worse in terms of destruction. But arrogant or not, we've done this. And maybe I just lack the conviction to believe we have the power to fix it.
It must be hard to get up in the morning knowing there is no hope...
But do you abandon a goal just because you know you can't achieve it. No. We'll wipe ourselves out, with I fear many other beautiful things along the way. We're going down, but not without a fight. A fight for what we're leaving behind.
This may sound very similar to one of my normal posts, but I've been inspired. I'd like to take this opportunity to rant a little on one of my favourite topics. *ahem*
I found out this morning that 83% of the terrestrial earth's surface has been altered by humans. That means only 17% of truly untouched wilderness remains on the planet. I felt as if I'd been punched in the gut. Wind knocked right out of me. Maybe that needs to happen to everyone to get them to see the point! I look out my window and see lights, of cars and houses and streets...so I can't even see the sky. Even the trees feel fake. And I feel it every time.
There are 6.5 billion humans on earth. We are the only species that do not follow the fundamental law of nature. Take only what you need. When a natural law is broken, something is seriously wrong, and it doesn't work. We are the only species that needs to control and consume every resource to the exclusion of every other creature no matter the outcome. 83%...and some people have the temerity, the nerve, to say that we can fix this. We can restore the planet to its original state, and still live as we do. You might think it arrogant for me to place such importance on us as a species... granted, the world has seen worse in terms of destruction. But arrogant or not, we've done this. And maybe I just lack the conviction to believe we have the power to fix it.
It must be hard to get up in the morning knowing there is no hope...
But do you abandon a goal just because you know you can't achieve it. No. We'll wipe ourselves out, with I fear many other beautiful things along the way. We're going down, but not without a fight. A fight for what we're leaving behind.
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
y'know that scene in Good Will Hunting when they're at the outdoor cafe and he explains how he could always just "play", then she kisses him.... damn....
i overheard this guy with the sexiest fuckin english accent i have ever heard in my life on the bus today. talk about someone you could just listen to reading the phone book!
nothing exciting ever happens.
i overheard this guy with the sexiest fuckin english accent i have ever heard in my life on the bus today. talk about someone you could just listen to reading the phone book!
nothing exciting ever happens.
Monday, January 05, 2004
H'ok. So...here's the earth. Oops, i mean: So...I don't think about this guy for the better part of a month, and now i see something that might possbily almost look like his HAT above a crowd...and my stomach leaps into my throat?! get a grip girl!
I just read in cosmo that young women who binge drink have a higher incidence of problems such as more unplanned sex. um, i'm sorry...i must have been away that day...and since when is said side effect a problem?! i'm sorry cosmo...i used to put such faith in you!! *ahem* or not.. don't worry everyone. I'm still the rational level headed chick you all know and love.
i just laughed and said you just did just what i thought you were gonna do.
I just read in cosmo that young women who binge drink have a higher incidence of problems such as more unplanned sex. um, i'm sorry...i must have been away that day...and since when is said side effect a problem?! i'm sorry cosmo...i used to put such faith in you!! *ahem* or not.. don't worry everyone. I'm still the rational level headed chick you all know and love.
i just laughed and said you just did just what i thought you were gonna do.
Sunday, January 04, 2004
"you don't drown by falling in water, you drown by staying there."
~thanks mel, that is awesome!
"I think there is a distinct possibility that I am completely and irreversibly screwed up." despite all my recent self pitying posts. i felt hot yesterday. for the couple hours I was walking around the mall...i felt like people would watch me because i looked damn good. I gotta get my hair done more often! :P
I wasn't going to do this...but what can I say? I'm weak.
2003: a year in review
1. What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before?
Travelled without my family, snorkeled on the great barrier reef, hiked in the rainforest. in other words...stepped out of reality for a month or so.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i don't make them. i never keep them.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
not that i recall...
4. Did anyone close to you die?
my great uncle ross just died 6 days ago. i think it was better for him...but the cottage still won't feel the same.
and also...she wasn't really close to me, but was a member of my "manitou family", a counsellor at camp was killed in a car crash in the summer. it was horrible and otherworldly, to be so close to that.
5. What countries did you visit?
Australia!! (and technically, I was IN Hawaii! and even left the terminal building for a few minutes! :P )
6. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003?
money (good answer). but also...stories to tell at family gatherings like my sister. if I could have half her experiences in 2004, i'll be happy.
7. What date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
August 25th. the most beautiful day of my life.
the rest of the year was not any more memorable than the rest of my life.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
completing my independent research project in Australia and getting REAL results!!
9. What was your biggest failure?
not being able to help my friends. (another good answer...for two people that barely know each other, mel and I seem to be very alike.)
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
not unless you count the constantly recurring knee injury! I believe this year it was...I don't even remember! but the annual camp injury anyway. OH, hehe it was climbing onto the speakers at the club on town night! Then markus playing tricks on me in the lake!
11. What was the best thing you bought?
a plane ticket to australia. and a couple semesters of university.
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Adrienne's. She is amazing in every way. I'm in awe.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
i think sometimes mine. the self-pity thing is getting old even for me.
14. Where did most of your money go?
australia, tuition, rent... and i don't have much else to show for it.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
um, at the risk of wearing out this answer... AUSTRALIA!! The frigging rainforest... I've been excited about that for 21 years, can you imagine what I was like as I was flying over it!?
16. What songs will always remind you of 2003?
"hallelujah" -- many people, but mosly rufus
"shake it" -- sean paul! haha yay for camp songs!!
anything dave or elliot.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? neither really. i just am.
ii. thinner or fatter? maybe a little thinner...maybe that's just wishful thinking.
iii. richer or poorer? does it count as poorer if you're just sinking further below zero??
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
laughing. and visiting.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
pining. waste of frigging time and makes me a hell of a lot less fun to talk to.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
i spent it in newmarket and the cottage with family and food and all that traditional jazz. wouldn't have it any other way.
21. Did you fall in love in 2003?
not likely. but found a couple people I could...
22. How many one-night stands?
none...technically. i'm probably glad about that.
23. What was your favorite TV program?
well I cut my cable entirely. and I don't miss it (maybe that should go under greatest accomplishment...). but I DID discover Queer eye for the straight guy! and of course queer as folk is great. LOL...i'm seeing a pattern here...
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
no.
26. What was the best book you read?
well I read the Firey Cross (Outlander) and The Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter) which are automatic favourites. but in terms of REAL impact... I'd have to say Ishmael by Daniel Quin. anyone interested in ecology, environmentalism, evolution or human psychology...READ IT! Even if you're not it's unbelievably brilliant.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I don't think I discovered many new things. Some Devil by dave of course...but it's still dave so not really a discovery. More Elliot than before, and Rufus too. But I think the truly new discovery is Danny Michel (thanks dreener! ;)
28. What did you want and get?
some fun traveling stories. a digital camera. A better idea of life's direction.
29. What did you want and not get?
a boy. or the will to not care about having one.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
well I guess since it's the one that came out in 2003, The Two Towers. But also Finding Nemo and PIRATES!!!
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 21 and I went to a pub with a rotating roster of a few friends.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
a boy. or the will to not care about having one.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003?
comfortable!
34. What kept you sane?
school. a few select friends. and my boys...dave, elliot and rufus.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
oh the usual... orlando bloom, maybe a little elijah and dom monaghan. and a newfound appreciation for Johnny Depp surfaced thanks to pirates and chocolat.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I don't give a flying fuck about politial issues.
37. Who did you miss?
my sister, my cousins, especially those living in other provinces or continents. A few camp people.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
I met so many new people I have no idea who would be the best! Camp people of course! Amanada and Lisa and Rossi and Billy and Alex! A few school people, I think I probably really got to know my friend Kev in 2003, he's the best! And Ben, and Fred (a little). So many people!
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003?
sitting at the base of a rainforest waterfall is worth 10 times the money it took to get there. in other words... experiences are worth infinitely more than money.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"how she wishes things were different, she prays to got most everynight. and though she swears he doesn't listen, there's still a hope in her he might." ~dave
"people you've been before that you don't want around anymore" ~elliot
"if i tell you i'm strong, will you play along? or will you see i'm as insecure as anybody else?" ~dave
"i'll find some peace, and I'll take a handful home." ~martina sorbara
"making plans to change the world, while the world is changing us." ~dave
~thanks mel, that is awesome!
"I think there is a distinct possibility that I am completely and irreversibly screwed up." despite all my recent self pitying posts. i felt hot yesterday. for the couple hours I was walking around the mall...i felt like people would watch me because i looked damn good. I gotta get my hair done more often! :P
I wasn't going to do this...but what can I say? I'm weak.
2003: a year in review
1. What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before?
Travelled without my family, snorkeled on the great barrier reef, hiked in the rainforest. in other words...stepped out of reality for a month or so.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i don't make them. i never keep them.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
not that i recall...
4. Did anyone close to you die?
my great uncle ross just died 6 days ago. i think it was better for him...but the cottage still won't feel the same.
and also...she wasn't really close to me, but was a member of my "manitou family", a counsellor at camp was killed in a car crash in the summer. it was horrible and otherworldly, to be so close to that.
5. What countries did you visit?
Australia!! (and technically, I was IN Hawaii! and even left the terminal building for a few minutes! :P )
6. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003?
money (good answer). but also...stories to tell at family gatherings like my sister. if I could have half her experiences in 2004, i'll be happy.
7. What date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
August 25th. the most beautiful day of my life.
the rest of the year was not any more memorable than the rest of my life.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
completing my independent research project in Australia and getting REAL results!!
9. What was your biggest failure?
not being able to help my friends. (another good answer...for two people that barely know each other, mel and I seem to be very alike.)
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
not unless you count the constantly recurring knee injury! I believe this year it was...I don't even remember! but the annual camp injury anyway. OH, hehe it was climbing onto the speakers at the club on town night! Then markus playing tricks on me in the lake!
11. What was the best thing you bought?
a plane ticket to australia. and a couple semesters of university.
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Adrienne's. She is amazing in every way. I'm in awe.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
i think sometimes mine. the self-pity thing is getting old even for me.
14. Where did most of your money go?
australia, tuition, rent... and i don't have much else to show for it.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
um, at the risk of wearing out this answer... AUSTRALIA!! The frigging rainforest... I've been excited about that for 21 years, can you imagine what I was like as I was flying over it!?
16. What songs will always remind you of 2003?
"hallelujah" -- many people, but mosly rufus
"shake it" -- sean paul! haha yay for camp songs!!
anything dave or elliot.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? neither really. i just am.
ii. thinner or fatter? maybe a little thinner...maybe that's just wishful thinking.
iii. richer or poorer? does it count as poorer if you're just sinking further below zero??
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
laughing. and visiting.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
pining. waste of frigging time and makes me a hell of a lot less fun to talk to.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
i spent it in newmarket and the cottage with family and food and all that traditional jazz. wouldn't have it any other way.
21. Did you fall in love in 2003?
not likely. but found a couple people I could...
22. How many one-night stands?
none...technically. i'm probably glad about that.
23. What was your favorite TV program?
well I cut my cable entirely. and I don't miss it (maybe that should go under greatest accomplishment...). but I DID discover Queer eye for the straight guy! and of course queer as folk is great. LOL...i'm seeing a pattern here...
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
no.
26. What was the best book you read?
well I read the Firey Cross (Outlander) and The Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter) which are automatic favourites. but in terms of REAL impact... I'd have to say Ishmael by Daniel Quin. anyone interested in ecology, environmentalism, evolution or human psychology...READ IT! Even if you're not it's unbelievably brilliant.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I don't think I discovered many new things. Some Devil by dave of course...but it's still dave so not really a discovery. More Elliot than before, and Rufus too. But I think the truly new discovery is Danny Michel (thanks dreener! ;)
28. What did you want and get?
some fun traveling stories. a digital camera. A better idea of life's direction.
29. What did you want and not get?
a boy. or the will to not care about having one.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
well I guess since it's the one that came out in 2003, The Two Towers. But also Finding Nemo and PIRATES!!!
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 21 and I went to a pub with a rotating roster of a few friends.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
a boy. or the will to not care about having one.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003?
comfortable!
34. What kept you sane?
school. a few select friends. and my boys...dave, elliot and rufus.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
oh the usual... orlando bloom, maybe a little elijah and dom monaghan. and a newfound appreciation for Johnny Depp surfaced thanks to pirates and chocolat.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I don't give a flying fuck about politial issues.
37. Who did you miss?
my sister, my cousins, especially those living in other provinces or continents. A few camp people.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
I met so many new people I have no idea who would be the best! Camp people of course! Amanada and Lisa and Rossi and Billy and Alex! A few school people, I think I probably really got to know my friend Kev in 2003, he's the best! And Ben, and Fred (a little). So many people!
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003?
sitting at the base of a rainforest waterfall is worth 10 times the money it took to get there. in other words... experiences are worth infinitely more than money.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"how she wishes things were different, she prays to got most everynight. and though she swears he doesn't listen, there's still a hope in her he might." ~dave
"people you've been before that you don't want around anymore" ~elliot
"if i tell you i'm strong, will you play along? or will you see i'm as insecure as anybody else?" ~dave
"i'll find some peace, and I'll take a handful home." ~martina sorbara
"making plans to change the world, while the world is changing us." ~dave
Friday, January 02, 2004
how she wishes things were different. she prays to god most every night...and though she swears he doesn't listen, there's still a hope in her he might.
Thanks for the timmy's chat girls. and i'm going to preface this with that i love you both.
but why doesn't she even have to try? even when she's fallen apart and afraid of things...she doesn't even have to try. not even lift a finger and they're drawn to her. because she's amazing. and gorgeous. and talented. they fall at her feet and kiss her and hold her and do cute things like touch her shoulder. and it just happens for her. and i'm just the next drunk girl...or the one taking advantage of a friendship.
now i don't want any pitying, reassuring comments. just listen. I remember when I used to think I was extraordinary. I actually thought I was special and i couldn't understand why no one would be drawn to that. if they just got to know me, obviously they would all want me. i could even give you a list of reasons I was so amazing. I don't know what I was thinking. because i'm obviously excruciatingly ordinary. and the real question is...why was anyone EVER drawn to that? no outstanding talent, not the dumbest kid in the class but still not the smartest, not that passionate or mysterious or anything. i'm just friendly and balanced. i just look like me. not enough to turn any heads. when people know how long it was since i had anyone they look at me with pity. and ask things like "how can you stand it?". i can't even talk about how much i want it anymore. i can't even form the words for what i need to feel. so i'm sorry if i was a little quiet.
I think the conversation actually made me ill. maybe it's still the hangover, maybe it was too much dinner. but the chills in my stomach and the tingles deep in my core don't usually go along with overeating. i guess i can't even listen to it anymore.
driving back from fenelon today, from a funeral, i watched shapes appear and disappear in the fog. skeletal trees, animals like spirits, farmhouses with roofs white with snow. the lines of trees fading away into the haze, like melting into thin air. i love finding shapes in the fog. it feels insulated and alone. i need dim light...and soft sounds...and fog.
Thanks for the timmy's chat girls. and i'm going to preface this with that i love you both.
but why doesn't she even have to try? even when she's fallen apart and afraid of things...she doesn't even have to try. not even lift a finger and they're drawn to her. because she's amazing. and gorgeous. and talented. they fall at her feet and kiss her and hold her and do cute things like touch her shoulder. and it just happens for her. and i'm just the next drunk girl...or the one taking advantage of a friendship.
now i don't want any pitying, reassuring comments. just listen. I remember when I used to think I was extraordinary. I actually thought I was special and i couldn't understand why no one would be drawn to that. if they just got to know me, obviously they would all want me. i could even give you a list of reasons I was so amazing. I don't know what I was thinking. because i'm obviously excruciatingly ordinary. and the real question is...why was anyone EVER drawn to that? no outstanding talent, not the dumbest kid in the class but still not the smartest, not that passionate or mysterious or anything. i'm just friendly and balanced. i just look like me. not enough to turn any heads. when people know how long it was since i had anyone they look at me with pity. and ask things like "how can you stand it?". i can't even talk about how much i want it anymore. i can't even form the words for what i need to feel. so i'm sorry if i was a little quiet.
I think the conversation actually made me ill. maybe it's still the hangover, maybe it was too much dinner. but the chills in my stomach and the tingles deep in my core don't usually go along with overeating. i guess i can't even listen to it anymore.
driving back from fenelon today, from a funeral, i watched shapes appear and disappear in the fog. skeletal trees, animals like spirits, farmhouses with roofs white with snow. the lines of trees fading away into the haze, like melting into thin air. i love finding shapes in the fog. it feels insulated and alone. i need dim light...and soft sounds...and fog.
Thursday, January 01, 2004
