i live on the corner of grey street and the end of the world

well...it would seem that i have moved.  how can someone miss a website?  i don't know.  i refuse to get philosophical about it.  at any rate.  it's an open house.  or at the very least come leave a thought on my doorstep.  i promise to bring it inside.
 
¶ 1:01 AM
say whut? (only ?)

  books.  my romance...and fantasy...  my soma.  my beautiful, escape.  so i can forget.
 
i won't remember here.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
i might be moving.  here .  it's empty and ugly.  because i don't get it yet. 
can someone tell me what do with this?
 
 
with any of this...
 
¶ 4:43 PM
say whut? (only ?)

  i want to walk across stone bridges into ivy covered buildings.  i want to walk across campus as a Ph.D student.  i want to wear a shoulder bag instead of a backpack.  i want to help kids climb walls while their parents get nervous.  i want to climb a waterfall in jamaica.  i want to live in a flat.  i want my family to come to england for christmas.  i want a dog.  i want to study the most important subject in the world at the best university in the world.  i want to talk to professors as a true academic, if not an equal.  i want to lose some weight and gain a tan.  i want to be the one with an accent.  i want my teachers to be proud of me and my parents to brag.  i want my friends to be jealous and use me as an excuse to travel.  i want to keep in touch.  i want to meet a man with as much passion and genius as ben wolfe.  and an accent to boot.  i want to have stories.  i want to travel by boat up the amazon.  i want to climb to every rainforest canopy i can.
 
i don't want to let myself down.
i don't know if i can do it.
 
¶ 2:30 PM
say whut? (only ?)

  for someone with a heart of stone...my mood swings can be astonishing!  last night i was stressed out and jittery trying to find funding sources and talking to profs and feeling more and more desperate by the moment.  not the least cause of which, is the cruise ship.  if i can't find funding, i can't go to oxford, and if i drop off the edge of the earth for 6 months, how am i going to find funding?!?  but i really want to go!
 
then TODAY, i found out that one of the new girls at work just finished working for Royal Caribbean for 2 years, through the SAME employment agency in the SAME position as i will be!  talking to her just reminded me how excited i am!  and i will have access to communication.  it won't be easy to complete applications, but it will be possible. 
 
AH!  caribbean!!
 
now i'm all jittery again. 
 
an hour and a half left to waste before the weekend!  *&#$ing office work.
 
¶ 2:19 PM
say whut? (only ?)

  i don't know how i live with myself.  really.  i'm a fucking slob.  i live in filth, basically.
i spent 2.5 hours cleaning my room last night.  i mean, taking the mattress off the bed, taking off all the bedding, scrubbing the carpet and the floor, vaccuming every last corner of the room...  and not because i just wanted to be tidy.  no no.  because my room smells like pee thanks to my cat, no matter how much i scrub the carpets or how much febreeze and air freshener i spray.  and because i have earwigs living in my bed that i can feel crawling on me when i'm trying to sleep so that i'm not sure if i'm actually just hallucinating.  and i wake up with weird bites on my legs.  to the point where i shuddered just from walking into my room.
 
WHY do i live like this?!  it's GROSS.  and it's only because i'm lazy.  for christs sake.
 
i had a dream a few nights ago about seeing Mark and he pulled me over to lie with him on the deck of my cousins cottage and i cuddled into his chest and he put his arms around me.  and it wasn't even romantic, cuz i think his girlfriend (who i really like) was in the dream too.  it was just really really nice and comfortable and friendly.  really.  really nice.  and cozy.  oh mark.
 
the really-hot-jazz-trumpet-player-sailing-instructor-who-is-way-too-young-for-me can do a rubiks cube in less than 5 minutes.  should that be turning me on this much??  fucking hell.
 
oh yeah.  and i got an invitation for adrienne's parents' open house today.  i'm sure i'll be scheduled to work that night, but i'll get rid of it.  i could make close to $200 that night... but i don't want it.  i DO want adrienne's house and her parents and being back in newmarket.  everything about that house (even though it's practically a new house now!) just screams high school and care free and contentment to me.  i think more than my own house does.  weird.
 
i'm rambling.  and i've been sitting here trying to find money in the UK all evening.  i need to read smut.  with diet coke and tostitos.  yeah.
 
¶ 9:35 PM
say whut? (only ?)

  i. need. money. right. now. like RIGHT NOW!!

he WANTS ME!!! Martin Speight. the advisor of my dreams. he WANTS ME!!! but i need MONNNEEEYYY! cuz he doesn't HAAAAVE IIIIT!!!!

lets review.

1st choice Ph.D advisor
head of the tropical ecology and entomology research group
OXFORD!!!
WANTS ME!!!
and...

NO MONEY!!!!

anyone have $60 000 lying around i can have? I'm willing to barter. sexual favours perhaps? does that count as whoreing? I DON'T CARE!!!

okay maybe i do. but just maybe.

and also...
ADRIENNE'S COMING TO JOHN MAYER!! The two greatest people ever coming together for me to see them BOTH! :D hehe YAY!

(oh, p.s. justin i found someone for that other ticket cuz em say she can't go. cool, right?? was that how that was going to work??)

i just changed my msn name to Hyperventilating.
i need tostitos.

oh yeah. p.s. i think i almost got hit by lightning today.
 
¶ 5:50 PM
say whut? (only ?)

  i fell in the lagoon last night. it was fuckin hi-larious. jess actually fell down from laughing so hard at me. or maybe it was just from being drunk :S luckily no one was really there to see it besides jess and the really hot instructor who is also a jazz trumpet player and waayyy too young for me-who was driving the boat i was attempting to jump out of onto the dock. i'm sure everyone knows now anyway. so i had to bike home at 1:30 while everyone was still booze cruising on the tanzer. boo. but that's okay. i learned how to play flip-cup and had fun anyway. everyone there is such a blast. it's fabulous.

i did, however, pop my knee out in the process (of course), so it's rather sore today. but i still had the presence of mind to ice it when i got in last night, so at least it's not swollen.

at least something happened :P

i have no idea why i was up at 9am this morning. wide awake. i'll probably nap before work at 6. damn this two-jobs-working-7-days-a-week-thing. but NOT damn to the envolope with still a couple hundred cash from last weekend in it. i guess i can deal with a couple extra nights for that.

i miss you all!! come visit me!!! :(

i think since i can't swim now, i'll go read in the insanely comfy new hammock :) now i know you're all jealous and have to come here to sit in it yourselves! okay. i'm rambling. ta. 
¶ 10:28 AM
say whut? (only ?)

  nothing ever happens.

i wake up angry.
i go to work.
i come home.
i read.
but i don't think anyone reads me anymore.
i go to movies.
no one is here.
i drive.
it rains.
i wake up angry.

nothing ever happens. 
¶ 10:19 PM
say whut? (only ?)